Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.