I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
#growingpains
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’