Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Happy Caturday!
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )