I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Lmao
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Encore…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first