wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Good Morning.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?