[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I’m good, thanks.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Fiction has to make sense.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.