I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!