Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready