[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
shit just got real
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Cinematography is my passion
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.