While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
You Might Also Like
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂