Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
You Might Also Like
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.