My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
this isn’t threatening at all
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
bias laundering edition
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.