The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline