I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
the last thing a carrot sees
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing