muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.