I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I got soap in my shower beer again.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
North and South
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you