Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.