Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
this is the most humiliating day of my life
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft