Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When I said I liked it rough.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .