Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My love language is deader than Latin
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
stand with me against insufficient seating