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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”