*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.