I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Always…
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.