I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.