What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Whisper out to librarians!
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear