I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
🤣🤣🤣
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.