Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
this is the greatest thing ever
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
When I snag the last meatball.