Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My inexpensive home security system…
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.