cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You Might Also Like
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Meow?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.