Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed