Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
You Might Also Like
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.