[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
happy valentine’s day to me
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.