you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
You Might Also Like
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
IT’S-A ME,
I never needed anything more in my life
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.