While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
put ‘er there pardner!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My neck, my back, my…
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.