I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
it is time once again
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.