i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Expect the unexporcupine.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything