If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
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Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”