Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.