65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
repaired
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.