anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What the hell is going on?