me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
iPhone X