betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.