Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: