[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
The human personality is made of five key elements
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I was just discussing this with my cat
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.