Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
This one’s “Alex”.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.