A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity