Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.