FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.