At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no