🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
#Caturday
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space